It’s a thing that was impressed upon my heart YEARS ago, and years well into our trying to get pregnant. It’s a thing that I remember so vividly in how it opened my eyes to a new way of seeing and believing: that rather than spending the rest of my life drowning in my fears of possibly never knowing what our biological children would look like, I could actually trust my Creator in whatever His plans for our growing family might look like.
It was the story of a girl named Hannah and her broken heart, as she longed and ached to hold her child instead of hugging her barren womb.
As a woman with strong desires to be a mother, and as a woman who knew all the ins and outs of the word ‘infertility’, I read Hannah’s story so many times with a strong sense of relatability. And with a misery loves company sort of perspective. “I got you, girl (Hannah). I feel you in your bitterness. If I see one more pregnancy announcem…”
Until one day, the veil was removed from my eyes, and I read the scripture in it’s entirety. And I was awakened to The Opener and Closer of Wombs.
Because the LORD had closed Hannah’s womb…1 Samuel 1:6
It was in that reading that I realized that our journey was not just some statistical situation that could be categorized by doctors. It wasn’t this thing that was so out of control that none of us could figure it out. It was never about tracking dates on a calendar, or having sex on the perfect day, or higher dosages of medication, or relaxing enough so that it could “just happen”. Nor was it ever that we were being skipped over in the miracle department, or being punished for some generational sin. It was never about anything that my mind could conceive. It was about, and has ALWAYS been about God.
His plans. His power. His glory in our lives.
Because what my heart walked away with that day when I read the story of Hannah with new sight, was that The LORD closes wombs. And The LORD also opens them. And later, Hannah had a baby, and his name was Samuel, and from that point on, Hannah’s story has been a beacon of hope for women too numerous to count who have found themselves in similar places of waiting, and longing for babies. Including me.
This was a pivotal point in my life and journey as a mom, because it was the time when I completely gave up my own control and entrusted my body, and my dreams for babies into the hands of The One who knew it all from the start. And I never looked back. Jeremy and I opened ourselves up to whatever God had for us, and we waited and listened, and tried to be obedient to follow where we were being led. We put away all talk and claims of infertility. We stopped focusing on the what ifs. We stopped seeking medical opinions and options, and we never looked into another treatment or procedure. We knew that if getting pregnant was ever going to be a part of our story, it would happen by the miraculous hand of God.
Then came Selah by way of adoption. It was clear from the start that her place in our life and arms was a beautiful part of our story. It was almost effortless, as God was literally opening every door and clearing every obstacle in the way of bringing her home. It was a very clear YES from Heaven, and our hearts were so overwhelmed and honored that this was what God was calling us to, that I honestly began to think that this was ALL that we were called to do. We would just be the husband and wife who would never physically conceive children, but we would receive them by the Heavenly design of adoption and love them as so, and the idea of pregnancy just became an evermore distant thought and prayer, if I can be honest. After the birth of this beautiful baby, life just made sense to me. My misison and purpose made sense. Her little life was confirmation in mine. She was confirmation of God’s plan. Confirmation of our obedience. Confirmation as to what can happen when you surrender yourself to Him and commit your life to doing/going/being whatever/wherever/whomever He has for you.
Every once in a while, however, the thought would resurface in my heart and mind. Could it really be possible that I could make it to the end of my life and never bear a child? That question would surface, and without fail, I’d find myself questioning the state of my own heart. Was I okay with that possibility? I mean, what IF? Would it change my commitment to believe God? Would it change His goodness? Would it make Him any less faithful?
Ultimately, I have always landed in the comfort of this:
God is sovereign. And whether or not I get to my last days and have everything that my heart ever desired, doesn’t change His sovereignty. Because He is God to me, He will always be good. He will always be faithful. And no pregnancy will ever add or take away from that. And even if I breathe my last breaths on this earth having never grown a baby in my womb, I will still say yes to Him. And the rest? When I feel that lump in my throat every time I hold a newborn, and when I celebrate another’s growing miracle, or when I feel the ache in my stomach for the loss that my heart feels sometimes, that same good God can be trusted enough then, too, to bring comfort and healing to all the broken places in my heart. He can be trusted to soothe the pain over the longings. He’s good in the gifts, but He’s good in the losses, too. He is God. Sovereign.
The desire has never left. And I’m certain it never will. But through it all, I’m grateful for this journey. For our story. I’m grateful for every shut door and every clear NO that led to our little girl. She is in our arms because of those negative pregnancy tests. She’s in our home because we said yes to God’s plan for our family at that time. Any different details, and she wouldn’t be with us. That’s how specific and good God has been to us.
A few months ago, Jeremy and I said yes to the idea of beginning to have the adoption talk again for 2016. We’ve both been feeling the pull for more children, and Selah’s at a great age for us to grow our family, so we decided to commit 2016 to really start praying about what we’re supposed to do. In the recent years past, there have been a few situations that came up as possibilities, but God very clearly shut every door that just wasn’t supposed to be.. So we just figured that it’s pretty obvious that we’ll be adopting again soon. Except, you see, we are nobody. And God is big. And when He has a plan, He makes it very clear.
And once again, His plan is very different than what we ever imagined it to be.
You see, our ability to comprehend His power might be a little skewed, but He knows the end from the beginning.
And see, when we set out on this journey of trying to make babies SEVEN years ago, He knew what we didn’t.
He knew that it would be hard.
He knew that we would struggle to keep believing.
He knew about all the doctors and all they would feed us.
He knew about Selah.
He knew how many times we’d see nothing on those pregnancy tests.
He knew because He is The Author.
This is His story.
He didn’t create broken bodies that would never be able to carry babies. He just closed this womb for a little while.
But today friends, this womb is open.
We are expecting a baby sometime in the fall! (When you’re as irregular as I’ve always been, and you only get about one cycle a year, due dates are a little tricky to predict. We’ll know more as baby grows more.)
It’s real. It’s true. And it’s really, really good.
Seven years of NO, and in one moment, He can change it all. He doesn’t skip a beat. Nor does He skip over any one of us.
He took this body, which produced ZERO signs of physically being able to conceive, and He did what only He can do.
Scientifically, it doesn’t make sense. There are no dates to track. There’s no guessing as to when it may have happened. It just did. And we count it as another miracle.
When it made perfect sense to toss out every dream of pregnancy, or delivery, and when it became easier to give it up than to offer it up in prayer, it changed in a second when I saw those two lines. One yes can silence the years of no’s. All thanks to The Opener and Closer of Wombs.
And might I give thanks, too, to the ones who have been praying for this even when maybe we were not. May this answer to YOUR prayers increase your faith today and help you with any unbelief you may have in your heart for something. You’ve prayed for this, and God heard you, and answered you. The Moores are pregnant! Love you all, and we are so grateful for your unwavering hope and commitment to see God do something really amazing again.