This post was published years ago, in November of 2011. Just about two months after Selah was born. Sometimes you just need a good refresher – something to bring back the memories of such a special time; something that helps you to recall the goodness of God in your life. I needed the refresher today. As I find myself in yet another season of waiting and trusting God to have His way in my family’s life, I’m reminded of how timely He is. His ways are perfect, and He works in, and through the quieter times in our lives. When it may seem like He’s not around… When it appears that our hopes and dreams are forgotten… He sees all. And He knows all. Be blessed today.
From September 12, 2011: …Our story here is nowhere near over, and for the time being, I just need to step away. I’ve tried time and time again to sit down and blog…but nothing comes out. I feel like there’s meaning behind it – meaning behind the life silence, and the blog silence. And instead of trying to fill the silence sometimes with a random post, I just need to shut down the computer for a while and let God fill the empty places. So I’ll be back…And hopefully with more to add to our little story here.
I guess from my last post, you could say that I was in need of some time to just step away. I felt an urge in my spirit to shut off the computer, put away the infertility related self-help material, and let go of the pain and confusion of why we weren’t able to have a baby, and instead seek joy and peace in the midst of my darkest days. I needed a “Selah moment” of sorts – as it meant to me, one that consisted of overwhelming peace while uncertainty surrounded me; a moment to prayerfully pause and reflect on this bittersweet journey that God is walking me through. I just had no idea why.
To recap a bit, my husband and I walked hand in hand into an adoption agency on January 9th of this year. We were scared in a way that is indescribable. We were plagued by questions of how we were supposed to pay for an adoption, how long and grueling this process was going to be; if we would ever be chosen or judged “fit” to be given a child; if this was really what God had planned for our future as parents and the expansion of our family. However, we couldn’t contain the passion in our hearts to pursue this road, and we just knew (despite the games that our minds and emotions played with us) that God was leading us to this place. We were meant to adopt.
Without dragging it on any longer, I’ll just go ahead and tell you that the confirmation that we would ever need about this decision was given to us on September 29th when we heard the most beautiful words:
“You are it. I choose you. I knew it from the moment I saw your picture.”
These words came late on a Thursday night, through the speaker on our cell phone, while we sat in the parking lot of a Starbucks talking to the birth mother of our daughter. Just 4 short days later, our baby was born.
To sit here and try and tell you how good God is does no justice as to how good He really is. I reflect back on our 10 month journey through adoption, and I am overwhelmed by how present and active the Lord was in every little detail:
– At about the same time that we walked into that agency for the very first time, a special woman somewhere out there was about to find out she was pregnant with the child she would later bless us with.
– The money that we needed to begin our home study was given to us at exactly the time that we needed it. Any sooner, and our profile could have gotten buried underneath newer ones. Any later, and our home study would not have been completed at the time when birth mom made her decision.
– In every moment when we thought nothing was happening, our daughter was already growing and developing in the womb.
– I read back over my posts since we began this process, and I can see how God was preparing me, preparing our home, our marriage, and preparing our hearts for this child.
There is so much more – more than I can ever wrap my head around, but it is all evidence of a very real God.
He blessed us even in the moments when we doubted Him.
He answered our prayers even though we didn’t know what to pray for.
He loved us even though we were angry at Him for not working in our time frames.
He continued to lead us, and speak to us, even though we went our own ways and did our own things at times.
He went above and beyond what I could ever imagine, and for the first time in my life, I don’t just believe in Him… I believe Him.
We were so blessed to get to know this wonderful woman. She spent a week in the hospital due to a lack of prenatal care and gestational diabetes, and in that week we were able to spend a lot of time together. Every day we would go and visit, and I will always remember those days as some the most life changing I’ve ever had. I have never seen so much courage and strength as it took for her to do what she did for us. As we sat in that hospital room and listened to the sweetest heartbeat, she rejoiced with us even though her heart was breaking. When it probably would have been easier to shut us out, she opened her heart to us, even asking me to be by her side as doctors delivered our baby girl via c-section. She is the epitome of selflessness, and she is proof of God’s redemptive power, of how he turns ashes into beauty. Her circumstances may not be ideal, and she may not have always made the right choices, but she loves this precious baby enough to give her life…and that is something to be admired. Her story changed me, broke me, as we watched her say good-bye to her baby, and she left in a cab with tears streaming down her face – all alone, and thrown back out there to try and navigate this crazy world. She is worthy of love and life, and worthy of all things good. And every day I pray that she knows that.
And now here we are. Our miracle baby naps in her bed, in her forever home, as I sit here and type. She is more than we ever dreamed of, perfect in every way, and thankfulness engulfs me when I think of how God brought us together. I look back on all the painful times, when my heart ached and my body felt broken, and I am glad that God didn’t give me clear answers of how everything would turn out. He just simply promised that He would reveal His glory through our story. He promised that He meant our story for good, and not to hurt us. He promised that He would never leave us, and that He knew His plans for us…to give us a hope and a future. If He had written it all out word for word, or if He had done everything that I was demanding, I can say with all honesty that I would not see it for the miracle that it is. I would not believe His word, or His power.
But He allowed me to feel that pain..He asked me to wait on Him, to trust, and to believe without seeing.. He stripped away the layers, and broke down a lot of walls. Then He rebuilt. He restored. He filled in the holes, and healed and mended. And I believe Him. He is good.
Nearly two whole months have passed since the birth of our daughter, and I have been more stretched and challenged than ever. Being a mom is not for the faint of heart. It is hard, but it is the most beautiful time of my life. I never thought I could love this much. We are still waiting for a finalization date, so I am not allowed to share pictures yet, but she is beautiful. As the days go on, I plan to share more of our life over the past two months. This blog, much like my life, has a whole new chapter added to it now. I am so excited to share all about the ups and downs of parenthood, pictures, and stories from our whirlwind week that included meeting birth mom, Selah’s delivery, Jeremy meeting her for the first time, and more of where we are at in this process. But right now, I can see the red lights peaking on the baby monitor, so this is my cue…
Her name is Selah. And she is a miracle.